Love hurts, but so does hitting yourself on the thumb with a hammer while DIYing

I started this year off with my ex-girlfriend telling me that she's finally started seeing someone else, and I never cope with that well.
I am the kind of person who is only truly satisfied if my ex-girlfriend:
a) dies,
b) turns gay,
c) has their vagina sewn shut, or
d) is fired into the sun from a large
cannon.

That said, if I ever meet this guy, I will be a gentleman, and say only "listen you pommy git, I'm better in bed than you are. The only reason she's with you is because I'm terribly irresponsible, hopelessly unmotivated, smell like beer and cigarettes all the time, am poor and unsettlingly prone to having manic fits where I write long, rambling posts like this one blaming all of my problems on someone that hasn't been a part of my life in 12 months.
In summation: you may be English, and have a 'cute' accent, but I have the better you know what, pal.
It's just every other aspect of my life, appearance, and personality that comes up short".
Or perhaps I won't say that.............................